Catch them young

 

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Few years back one of my friend told me about a great book she had read - "The Secret" by Ronda Byrne. I started to read it but somehow could not complete. Recently i have been hearing about "Mindful living". I am trying to understand the advantages of this too. There are so many other theories and practices that i have heard about from various friends and family members. Every time it's about happy living or living a rich life (not in terms of money but in terms of experiences) or living a peaceful life or how to live a life of your dreams and on and on. All of these have been from mostly people of my age or elder than me. I have never heard children speak about these things.

But why is it that when we are old enough to handle our own lives we suddenly think about it. I have wondered, why is this not taught to us as part of our growing years either by schools or by our parents? How many of us who read these stuffs actually motivate our own children to read these and practice from a very young age? I have been thinking about this for quite some time.

I may be wrong when i say that most of us don't want our kids to feel these experiences in their childhood. There might be few of us who actually practice it and also leads their children into this form of mindful, peaceful, rich living. But frankly most of us don't do it. We read it, feel good about it for some time and forget it. Some of us read these stuffs, try to follow it for sometime and give up in between as we get busy with our routine life. There are actually very few who practice it and even fewer who impart it to children. If these theories and practices are so helpful then why not teach it?

Numerous research activities have proven that anything that is instilled from a young age becomes a habit rather a life style. We put our children to music classes, sports, painting classes and even make them learn languages at a young age as they are considered very important for the development of the child. We try to teach them good manners, etiquette, nice behavior and so on, since they are required for a person to be considered part of civilized society and community. But do we give them the secret of leading a enriched, peaceful, pleasant, positive life? If we make this also a part of their routine - if not at school at least at home, won't they grow up to be a much better human being? We concentrate so much on pushing them into a rat race for money and power that we forget the importance of teaching them all the rich secrets of living a really enriched life.

It might be difficult for young minds to grab the depth of such life skills. But when it becomes a part of their daily life, they will evolve into a human being with deep sense of themselves and humanity in general. They will start valuing themselves better and also be a better human being and be able to lead a much happier life. Don't we want our kids to be really happy than live a life of competition and frustration. If we can sow the seeds of goodness and mindfulness in them at a very young age how nice it would be.

May be some of us should actually try this and share the difference that we see in our kids.

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The hanging bent backbone

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Tired and timid

I look up to the sky

Eyes burn and i am blinded.

The scorching heat hurts my dark skin.

My parched lips and my dry tongue

yearning for a full gulp of water 

to quench my thirst without guilt 

that i have consumed what i don’t deserve 

My hands rough and rugged, rubbing 

my shoulders once so strong 

now hanging loose with the burden 

of my head which once i held high. 

My feet bare and cracked 

has run around to hold things together. 

walked past the great past of prosperity 

now a doomed present, begging for a still existing tomorrow 

The source of my past prosperity 

laying brown and arid. 

A green bed it used to be once 

now a hot bed of pain, hunger and shame. 

I see my wife who was once beautiful 

in her red saree and red bindi. 

Even more beautiful today in her same red saree 

torn in the hardship, her bindi seems bigger than her hollowed cheeks. 

My kids, three reasons for my smile 

for whom i dreamt of a happy tomorrow 

sit and play with a longing look of hunger 

sometimes crying, mostly sleeping tired. 

A deep cry tries to escape my throat. 

I hold it back with a brave face. 

I still long for a better tomorrow 

for i love my wife and kids more than myself. 

They can cheat me with fake promises. 

They can humiliate me with bread crumbs of revival. 

I walk towards the ray of hope for few days of respite to my loved ones. 

I just hope the loop will not give away shattering my last dream.

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Deal with the D-Devil

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Divorce - A word that most married people dread hearing, a wish some pray to come true in their life, much resented but yet heard frequently in today’s world, that has the tendency to drive many people into a panic mode, that has pushed umpteen men and women into depression and even made them jump into suicide and a word that means freedom to some but doom to many.

The reasons to reach such a decision are many. Each unique and personal to every couple. But the trauma that follows and haunts people after a divorce is almost similar in all cases. When we get used to a person over a period of time, when we get used to a routine over a period of time, we reach a point where missing any of them, no matter how bad it was, creates a vacuum. People generally derive a sense of purpose while trying to work out a bad relationship or trying to find reasons to believe that everything will be all right or while waiting it out for things to get settled or even in the pain that they undergo in a abusive relationship. I believe we human beings are addicted to routine. A routine, happy or painful, gives a meaning to life. This is what creates problem after a divorce. After a divorce that monotonous chain is broken, and people lose the sense of purpose. Most of us don’t know how to cope with the situation. We feel that there is so much of time and nothing to do. This sends us into a mode of self doubt and self pity.

When we turn to friends we find that they are busy with their lives and it is only us that don’t have anything meaningful to do. When we try to take resort in the social media, it makes us more gloomy as face book is full of happy faces with every friend and family member celebrating either a birthday or on a holiday or loudly shouting out a love you message to wife or husband in public, making us feel desperate. All these makes us feel lonely and we start hating ourselves for taking such a decision. It takes our mind to a turn where we start suspecting our choice. For many working people divorce is a phase where they mess up their professional life. The tension, the sleepless nights, the self humiliation and self pity makes us loose interest and concentration on work. All these doubts, confusions and frustration leads to a path of self loath and complete loss of self respect.

I am not here to give a solution to come out of this phase. Because there is no one magic formula which can bring anyone out of this wretched situation. Through my own experience i have come to an understanding that each of us needs our own time to come out of this. But giving up is definitely not the most attractive option, though it is the easiest. It may feel great to keep pondering on what went wrong and why this is happening ‘only to me’. It also feels great to replay some of the great moments spent together and try to relish every bit of it as if hanging to the last piece of rope that is stopping you from falling into a dark sea of reality.

I say, leave the rope and plunge into the reality. Deal with it. It’s the fact.

The quicker we accept the fact about divorce the quicker we can get over it. Always remember that divorce was the only option. Nothing could have solved the situation and made life better. It was decision well taken. Next is to stay away from social media. Travel - travel as much as possible, either alone or with friends or with a group of unknown people. Meet new people, make new friends. Read - read lot of books, both fiction and non-fiction, politics, history and biographies. Plan every day such that the day is packed. If there is enough time left, identify a hobby or a hidden talent and start learning something new - Either a new language or some kind of Art or a new sport. A packed busy day, leaves no time to brood.

Finding a job in case of people without job is also a great way out. Even a small job with a small pay goes a long way in dealing the situation.

These are some common things to deal with the monster called divorce. My ideas may not suit another personality. There are few people who find solace in their job. But it is important to remember that job is not the world. The world is much bigger than a cubicle or even the four walls of an office. I believe regaining lost confidence , self respect and feeling good about oneself is the most important thing to move ahead in life. There is nothing wrong in discussing things with good friends or supportive family members or even getting professional help from a psychologist or a therapist.

One point to remember always is that there are many many people out there who have gone through something similar and have come out of it and succeeded in life. “We are not alone in this”. There are people who can support and help. Life is much larger than one Divorce.

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Hallowed by deed - Part 5

My topics under "Hallowed by deed" is increasing in count. I am in fact feeling good that i am getting to write about many good things and good people around. Especially with so much of negative things happening around, such small incidents bring a ray of hope. Some people have helped me in situations which could otherwise have turned into a disaster. Some brought a smile on my face. Some made me forget my worries at least for few moments.

This incident happened during the fateful flood in Chennai. Fate sometimes does play around with your mind making you wonder if in deed you have done something wrong. My marriage was to happen on December 6th. I was supposed to leave to Kerala on December 3rd. My marriage saree blouses were with the tailor and i was supposed to take delivery of them on November 30th. Unfortunately i could not pick my blouses on 30th and decided it take it on the next day.

The next day - December 1st i woke to the sound of steady rain. Rain is supposed to make you cool and lazy. But it actually made my adrenaline rush up. There were predictions of rain over the week end which as usual had not come true and we had all started to relax thinking that we had escaped the heavy showers. We were not ready for another onslaught as the attack of rains few days back had left the city in a frenzy of knee deep water and inundation in few parts. But seeing it rain again on that morning a slight tension started building up in my heart.

I called up my office and we decided to work from home. It was impossible to move out in the rain which by then had started pouring heavily. Sometimes you wonder why you make some blunders for which there are no explanations. I found that i had left the charger of my Laptop in my office the previous day. I had to wind up some work before going on my marital holidays. Anyways i could not go and get it. So i worked till my laptop took its last breath. 1st of December passed with me and mom sitting in front of the TV following and consuming as much news as possible about the situation outside. There was constant discussion among neighbors on what would happen. The flooding had started. By the end of the day most of my friends had lost power connection at their place. We were getting a feeling that the trains would get suspended and hence booked flight tickets for the next day evening. We went to sleep with a feeling that things were going from bad to worse. But we had to wait it out.

2nd of December, we rose to a darker day. We lost power. Luckily both our mobiles were fully charged. We kept only one mobile on, in order to save power. News started coming in about trains getting suspended as the tracks were inundated. Water started seeping into out street. We started panicking. I waded through knee deep water to buy some groceries as we were not sure about the travel. By after noon news came in that all flights were suspended. I lost hope and decided to give up, even the tension. My fiance and would-be in laws called me to console me and we almost reached a point where we thought that the marriage would have to be postponed. They helped me approach this whole incident with the least emotional stress. The met department had forecast heavy rains till 6 Dec and airport would stay closed till then. In the night my fiance called me up to tell me that i should be expecting a call from his brother in law's friend who might be able to help us.

At night 11 o clock i got a call from my Samaritan - the hero of this article - Sathish. He assured me that he would arrange some mode of transport via road and get us out of Chennai next day as the Bangalore highway was open. From Bangalore we could take a bus/train/flight to Kerala. He asked us to be ready by early morning and to wait for his call. On the morning of 3rd December we were packed and ready by 6 o clock. Our mobiles were loosing charge and our neighbors were kind enough to let us use their cautiously used inverter saved power for charging. When i tried calling him, his phone was switched off. I became desperate. At around 7 o clock we happened to discuss the scenario with our neighbor who on hearing that the Bangalore highway was open, talked to a travel agency to arrange a taxi for us. By then Sathish called me and said that he could not arrange a taxi. When i told him that an agency had agreed to take us to Bangalore he was much elated than us. But he did not want us - 2 ladies to travel on our own. Hence he said he would accompany us till Bangalore and come back in the same taxi. This was a surprise to us since we had not expected him to be so nice. We felt relieved that we wouldn't have to take this uncertain drive alone.

And thus we started our journey to Bangalore at 9 AM on the 3rd of December. Sathish joined us on the way. He had taken a great risk in driving his bike from home till a point where he could not drive any further in water, parked it in front of a shut store and walked around 1 kilometer in water and then piggybacked on a strangers bike to reach his place of pickup. Our journey was filled with tension and fake news of a dam breach in Krishnagiri. Once we crossed Krishnagiri we started to relax as we knew situation was cool from that point on. I slept deeply after Krishnagiri forgetting all my tension and compensating my sleepless nights. We reached our destination at 3 o clock. Dropping us off, Sathish did not even take a minute's break as he wanted to be back in Chennai by midnight. He had plans to join a group of volunteers the next day for undertaking relief activities in the affected areas.

What could i say about this Good Samaritan - i was emotionally overwhelmed to have met a person like him. Why are some people so good? why are some so helpful? My neighbors helped me a lot, whom i could not thank enough. Best of all, this situation  helped shatter my tensions about life after marriage, as i had seen how pragmatic and supportive my to be husband and in-laws are.

I had forgotten the fact that i did not have a blouse to wear along with my marriage Saree. Well, buying a ready made blouse or rather wearing anything for the marriage was not even a matter of worry compared to postponing a marriage.

A marriage is a great affair in itself but mine has a backstory worth being shared.

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