Destructive apathy

When someone helps us, we feel thankful and also obliged to do something in return sometime. This is taught to us and it helps in fostering good relationships. But does this rule apply only to human relationships? This also applies to our relationship with nature isn’t it?

Yesterday when i was traveling to office, i saw a lady. A decently dressed female in her early thirties. I was waiting in the railway station for my train to come. She came by and sat next to me on the bench i was sitting. Immediately after sitting she took out a small paper wrap from her bag. It contained those boiled peanuts with their shells on. As i watched she started pealing off the shell and eating those peanuts. And then shamelessly kept on dropping off the shells on the platform where she was sitting. I felt very irritated to see her do this. She was least bothered that she was actually treating the platform like a dustbin. I looked at her in disgust. She returned my looks with a blank stare. I felt like getting up and shaking her wildly and asking her how she could be so careless and stupid about her surroundings. But i did not do anything.

My train arrived. I boarded it and found a seat for myself. A lady, almost of my age was sitting opposite to me. I guessed she should be working in one of the IT companies which adorns the route to my destination. After the train left the station, she took out a plastic cover from her bag. There was boiled corn stick in it. She started eating the corn. I did not pay attention and continued chatting with my friend on my phone. Once she finished eating,she just threw that plastic cover along with the corn stick on to the railway track. I was irritated for the second time in the same day. I seriously was very angry and actually looked at her with frowning face. She looked back at me with a questioning look and turned her face away from me.

I know, these are scenes that we see on a day to day basis. People throwing garbage bags full of garbage on the road. Men peeing on the road side. People spitting on the road as others walk by them. People throwing plastic covers on to the road just like into a dustbin. House holds and factories emptying their industrial and house hold waste and filth into river. Big vehicles polluting the air with smoke and dangerous gases. Big corporations cutting off forests in mass in the name of development. From individuals to corporate everyone abusing nature and its resources in every way possible.

These two small incidents made me think about all this. How can people be so ignorant about all this? Then i realized, lack of awareness is one part of the issue. This could be solved to an extent through proper education and extensive campaigns. But the other part of the problem is terrifying. “Complacence”. When educated people do these activities without any second thought or even a pinch of regret, how can we not worry about the impending disaster on this earth. The very thought ranging from “why should i do it” , “This is not my job to worry” to “Nothing will happen to this earth because i drop one plastic cover on the road”. I have even heard people say, “Technology is making leaps and bounds. Scientists will find another planet to live if this one becomes unlivable. Till i live nothing major will happen to this earth”. But we forget, nature is beyond any science. There is only so much science and technology can do, but there is so much as human beings we can do. Moreover even if we find another suitable planet to migrate to and technology grows to facilitate the migration process, i don’t believe that any common man will be ever be able to afford the migration cost.

Do we like to live among filth? When we complain so much about the filthy environment around us, we conveniently forget the fact that we are the ones who created this kind of an environment. If not directly, through our silence.

This earth has been giving us resources for so many years. Let it be water, soil and air. These are things we cannot do without. We cannot live without any of this. But these are all perishable resources. When we abuse them by misusing or over using them remember, once they perish we can never get it back. We cannot manufacture water or soil or air. Let us give some respect to the mother earth by making sensible use of her resources. When we take so much from her at-least give her back a little bit of consideration for the sake of mankind.

She may not yell at us for mistreating her. But she will definitely give up one day and that day our great great grandchildren may have nowhere to go and will fight and die over a drop of water or a bite of food. If we don’t care for our future generation, then why do we reproduce???

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Nostalgia - Part 4

Once you are in the flow, you start enjoying it and want more of it.

This is true in many situations. Sometimes there is hesitation to do things - even those that we enjoy the most. At such a phase we start doubting our own beliefs and abilities. It has happened to me on many occasion. I have realized long back that I enjoy writing. Nothing in particular. About anything that actually inspires me to write. But there are certain times when I don't feel like writing anything. When my friends - who know that I write, ask me why I haven't written anything for some time, I tell them that I don't feel like. In those days, i doubt whether I can really write. Whether I really have it me.

But it's just a phase. That too, I have realized. My wrong English is to be pardoned, though. One spark and I start again. And once I start it's like the waves in the ocean - no recess. Thoughts that have been logged in for a long time start flowing and fingers keep typing.

Words actually give meaning to emotions. That's why writers are sensitive. Because if you can't feel a thing, how can you write about it? A small piece from my old diary - I think this was a result of having tried to put my feelings into words.

No Title

Life seems to be a thorny bush 

I feel like I am struggling in heavy push 

Many things in my mind to say 

But I am so helpless today 

My head is full of helpless thoughts 

But no one about to soothe my heart. 

I keep praying to god - Please give me strength 

And I keep saying to my uneasy heart - 

Do Good 

Think good 

Hope for good. 

Life has a good purpose, 

So go deep into life and don't float on the surface.

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Nostalgia - Part 3

After a long silence, decided to write something today. For the past few days i have been feeling a desire to write - literally it is "Type". Exactly don't remember how long it has been since i have actually hand written something. Well i do scribble some things in the name of making notes during office discussions or while i am day dreaming or talking over the phone - Oh and that's called doodling. I do all this, but when i take a pen to actually write something of matter, my hands shiver within moments of writing. It is as if, after so many years of typing, my fingers have actually rusted and are unable to hold a pen in place without making creaking noise.

Now, this is my problem. I start off to do something and then in the flow of things get carried away and end up doing something else. I started this article (This is going to be quite a lengthy one) with the idea of continuing the "Nostalgia" series. The third in the series, this is kind of an essay i had written - god knows when. Today when i read it from my old diary, i was taken aback by this one piece of writing because, i don't remember from where exactly i got the quote (of a famous personality) i have referred at the last. Now i believe i was not supposed to be an engineer - and definitely not a computer engineer.

The essay is as follows. I have decided to put it down here without any corrections.

Children of tomorrow

Every woman wishes to become a mother. Becoming a mother, according to women - the most extreme success of her womanhood. It proves that she is really a woman. It is said that child is given by god. It is the wealth given by god, when so why don't we protect this wealth.

Most of the parents are thinking much of their child that instead of giving them love they feed them with English, Maths, Social, science and computer. Competition and ego has made parents blind. All that passes through their mind is the rank that their child gets, the medals and the cups he gets. Not only parents but also institutions are taking advantage of this. They need good results. They push the child into midst of heaps of books and home works through which these poor godly gifts creep like worms - book worms. Does this satisfy them? No, they still need fame through these poor children. When a child is three years old, it likes to play in sand, build houses out of it and roam about. Instead they are put to chains, they sit in the school not able to understand what the teacher is saying. Some parents always want and pray to god that their child should get 1st rank. They never pray, "Please keep my child happy".

Here grows adult’s conspiracies against childhood. Nowadays competition like charity begins at home. Mothers become restless if their child does not start crawling or walking at the right age, not because of his health awareness but because the child next door has already started doing it. This is the fact or reality that many parents deny. They want their children to become engineers and doctors because they themselves could not become all these. They thrust their dreams onto their children and bring them up under the burden of their own dreams. A childhood of innocence and happiness is thus lost.

"And a woman who held her babe against her bosom said, speak to us of children.
And he said.
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth."

- The Prophet of Khalil Gibran

So leave your child to live.
You just lead them and don't load them.
Teach them to dream. Teach them to be happy.

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Hallowed by deed - Part 4

This is fourth in the series of “Hallowed by deed”.

In the previous parts I wrote about specific incidents which changed my perspective about life at various levels. Today I want to talk about many such small and seemingly insignificant incidents that have happened to me on various days. These incidents keep reminding me about how fortunate I am. There is hope always in everything. 

My hands were full and a stranger opened the door for me.
I boarded a bus and i found out that I have forgotten my purse – a stranger paid for my ticket.
I was in bank and i didn’t have a pen – a stranger gave me his pen.
I lost my way and a stranger helped me with the route.
I was getting late to office waiting in a queue and a stranger allowed me to surpass him in the queue.
A stranger shared his drinking water with me on a train journey.
A colleague offered me a ride home.
I fell down from my bike and a stranger helped me get back home.
I walked past a stranger and that person smiled at me warmly for no reason.
I entered the office and a smiling colleague (whom I don’t know) wished good day.
I couldn’t start my bike and a stranger helped me kick start it.
An old man waited for my family to come and pick me up from station as it was late in the night.
I befriended an elderly lady in a bus journey and had a real good time sharing each others life story.
I was tired and had to walk to bus stand - a colleague offered me a ride home.
I was traveling to OOTY in a car with my ex. On the way we saw a small girl selling fresh carrots in bunches. Each bunch cost Rs.10. Since we did not want a bunch, we asked her for 2 carrots. She gave it to us with a sweet smile and said does not want money for 2 carrots. Her innocence was endearing and heart-warming -a change from the insatiable world around. We gave her the 10 Rupees and left. 

 Many more such events which I cannot recollect keep happening daily. The crux of this whole list is very simple. Life is never too bad. When we lament about our life and feel discontented, we should count on small good things that keep happening to us. Without these little acts of kindness, life would have been intolerable. But we miss to celebrate such moments or be thankful about them, instead keep dwelling on the awful things. Nothing is perfect in this world. Let us learn to appreciate and be grateful in order to feel positive and move ahead with hope. I don’t intend to preach. I just want you all to feel what I felt and live with the good feeling.

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Blooming Joy

One wink at a time

One clap at a time 

One smile at a time 

One breath at a time 

One Heart beat at a time 

One step at a time 

One moment at a time 

One dawn at a time 

One day at a time 

One act at a time 

Let yourself free of doubts 

Let yourself free of reluctance 

Let yourself free of captivity 

Let yourself free of ignorance 

Let yourself free of Impudence 

Let yourself free of ego 

Let yourself free of Loath 

Let yourself enjoy being brave 

Let yourself enjoy being passionate 

Let yourself enjoy being present 

Let yourself enjoy being aware 

Let yourself enjoy being in control 

Let yourself enjoy being yourself 

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Redefined Happiness

Happiness means something different to every individual. You can be happy at various occasions for various reasons. I too had my definition for happiness clearly etched out for myself for a long time. I believed I was happy. Well, someday things had to change and I had to redefine my happiness. An emotional realization of the worth of my time and value had been long impending.

Weekends were crazy for me. I had no time to think about anything other than spending time with my friends. It was either a shopping with a friend or a movie-watching with another friend or a lunch with someone else or just a “hi, how are you” catching up with few others. That was all I could think of during weekends and surprisingly enough I being a person who always likes to take things slow, all the weekends were tiring and major energy drainers for me. So much tiring were the weekends that Monday mornings which were already scary enough became sickening for me. I started dragging myself to work on Mondays pulling the burden of the sleep deprived week ends under my eyes. My colleagues used to wonder what the hell I do on weekends. But I claimed that I was happy. I believed that this is what kept me busy and going.

Then one fine day I met with a small accident. I hurt my leg badly. I had to hop around with one leg for few days. Going to a doctor was by itself a Herculean task and I needed a person’s help to climb up and down the steps to my first floor apartment. My mom had a tough time with me. Every alternate day she would accompany me to hospital for redressing my wound. My neighbors helped me to climb up and down during my first two outings.

That is when I realized how lonely I was if not for my family. Except for couple of my very good friends, none of my busy friends even bothered to call me or inquire upon my absence from their busy lives. Few of them whom I considered very close did not even bother to offer help over a trip to hospital. In all sense, the reality struck me hard.

Although a bit unhappy, I did not worry too much about their unconcern for me. Rather I pondered over the priority I had set up in my life. I realized life had become a mess because of being a "People-Pleaser". For my own good, I re-prioritized. I was not upset anymore. I became much more aware of where I put my time and effort. Even now sometimes I struggle to say a “NO” to a call from a friend. But I have trekked a long way on this path and now I can turn back and not feel worried about my priorities. I have started taking it slow and steady to create happy and healthy relationships that are nurturing and satisfying.

Every time before you say a “YES”, find a reason for not saying a “NO”.

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"Thoughts" - The enigma

Waves of mind

Colors of sight

Music of soul 

Image of life 

Beat of Heart 

You try to hold them, they break away 

You try to leave them, they choke you 

You try to read them, they dissipate 

You try to feel them, they perish 

Your mind paints them 

Your Heart sings them 

Your hands touch them 

Your feet tread them 

You conceive them 

You realize them 

You express them 

You consume them 

You dwell in them 

They lead you 

They follow you 

They grow you 

They guide you 

They define you 

You are your thoughts

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"Words" - The Charm

ImageSource

They weave threads of magic.

They build a pool of emotions. 

They make you dream of the incredible. 

They strip the canvas to reveal the reality. 

They give you wings to fly high. 

They plunge you deep into a nothing. 

They walk you on clouds. 

They make you stumble on a feather. 

They raise your heart. 

They make you struggle for breath. 

They make you go crazy. 

They make you feel miserable. 

They liberate your senses. 

They bind your thoughts with hesitation. 

They make you fight with conviction. 

They make you feeble with fear. 

They make you laugh your heart out.

They brutally tear your soul out. 

They give life to your thoughts. 

They stir your passion. 

They are tools of the soul to craft a world of sensation.

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Awakening

Life can throw situations at you which will open up a totally new perspective. Life that seemed so simple and straight forward starts to look like a Pandora’s Box. Things happen that you would never even have imagined about. Life which was so normal seems to have turned into mystery. You are left to find your own way in a maze of people and emotions. The very basis on which you had built your life seems to be shaken. The world that was in a beautiful bubble seems to be shrinking.

Few days back I heard news about a friend who was once very close to me, having been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. We were friends – close friends before 10 years. We used to do combined studies for our 12th class public exams. It was either at her place or at mine. We spent countless nights together preparing for our exams drinking masala tea that her mom prepared for us or my mom’s coffee that kept us awake night out. We even came close to each other’s family. We had a bit of unspoken competition between us. But that was only when it came to studies, in everything else we were together.

Once the exams were over we separated our ways to join different colleges. Neither of us tried to contact each other after that. I don’t know why. Thanks to face book, I came to know that she is married and settled in the US with 2 adorable kids. I felt happy for her.

But then I heard the new about her Cancer. I know how difficult it is going to be for her to fight a disease that can shatter her both physically and emotionally. But what has been pricking me from the day I heard the news is the fact that she was once a close friend of mine and today I am just a friend who is sympathizing her situation discussing about it over a cup of coffee. How we had pushed a wonderful relationship into almost oblivion.

People are the most important part of our lives. Every day we meet new people. We get close to some by choice and to some for no reason. The impact they have on our life is immeasurable. As we travel through time in our life, we choose to forget some of these people. For no reason they disappear. For all the time we have spent together, a single phone call might instill life into that relationship. But we choose not to do so. We don’t have time.

It pained to think about all the amazing friendships that I had lost in my journey of life - some wonderful people who had been a very important part of my life at different periods. I am not sure if I will be able to revive all of those connections. But I will definitely try to get in touch with at least few of them and start a fresh chapter with them. What else will be there for me to live on when I grow old, other than memories about people and places?

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Picturesque Highway

Watching the Hindi movie "Highway". How I wish I could travel like the characters in the movie. Be care free like the character of Alia bhat "Veera" in the movie in spite of all the challenges she had to face through the journey.Travel the paths of life without worrying about the destination, just enjoying the journey. Take life in its stride without worrying about the uncertain future. Be myself, without having to be approved by so many people around. Not having to worry about being judged on my life and my living.

We do so many things every day. Every day, every moment is a new one - philosophically. When I talk so much about these kind of stuffs, you might be wondering whether I believe in what i say - all this philosophy about life and living the moment. Well, I am just starting to believe myself. I have come to realize that believing my own instincts is much safer and satisfying than taking to others opinions. One less norm breaking person is not going to do any harm to this society. Well I agree buying a house and a car and marrying and having kids is good but not the most important thing in my life. If these things can happen as a by product of my day to day happiness then I will be thrilled as others would want me to be.

Ultimately as we always hear, life is too short for regrets. One day suddenly i may die. What is the use of struggling everyday now for attaining 'the position' in this society, the same society which will not even bother to look for me once I am gone. Who really cares for me? All my answers have been reasons to feel better or just a reassurance about what i have believed for so many years. No one will leave this world along with me. Life will continue as it was - minus Malini. No, my grandchildren will not remember my name because i bought a house and a car and they definitely will not miss me.

In my struggle to prove my worth I had forgotten what I really wanted. I had forgotten that I can enjoy the silliest of things in this world. I had forgotten that I enjoy singing, I enjoy eating good food, I enjoy riding my scooty, I enjoy talking, I enjoy looking up to the sky and dreaming, I enjoy reading, I enjoy writing, I enjoy dancing, I enjoy just lying down and doing nothing, I enjoy being a good friend to someone, I enjoy stupid jokes, I enjoy traveling, I enjoy being there for someone when they really need me, I enjoy talking about everything in this world even when I know nothing about it. I enjoy so many things. I had forgotten. This is what I am. How can I forget these and be myself?

A highway of life with its ups and downs but lots of memories that i can carry lightly. This world is large enough that I can find a place for myself. A place where I need not pretend to be someone I am not. A place where I can be happy as I am. Facing the challenges that life will throw at me with my conviction and courage. The end of my journey will be in that place doing my best.

I can go on writing about this topic. It is so so amazing to think about all that i have written. One moment thoughts seem to be flowing out of control and another moment everything is so tranquil. Exhilarating and tiring at the same time. How i wish i could put every signal, every image of my mind as words and phrases here. That's ok. I can feel it and some of it i have been able to transfer here.

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My daughter

When you were born

you were so beautiful 

You were mine 

you were a part of me 

I looked at you and cried 

Tears of joy rolled down my cheeks 

How proud i was to hold you 

You made me a mother 

Thank you for coming into my life 

Thank you for being my daughter 

I learned to love beyond reasons 

~~ 

When you were growing up 

you were beautiful 

You were mine

you were my life 

I looked at you beaming with love 

Tears of joy rolled down my cheeks 

Thank you for coming into my life 

Thank you for being my daughter 

I learned to live selflessly 

~~ 

When you were twenty years old 

you were beautiful 

You were mine 

you were my reason to live 

I looked at you beaming with pride

Tears of joy rolled down my cheeks 

Thank you for coming into my life

Thank you for being my daughter 

I learned to live a life of purpose

~~ 

When you left that day to college 

you were so beautiful 

You had dreams in your eyes 

you had a smile on your lips 

I hugged you tight with love 

Tears of joy rolled down my cheeks 

Thank you for coming into my life 

Thank you for being my daughter 

I learned to live with pride

~~ 

When you came back home in a coffin 

You looked so beautiful 

I looked at you in horror and disbelief 

you, a part of me lying dead and cold 

I hugged you tight lest you should leave me 

Tears of guilt rolled down my cheeks 

Sorry for bringing you into this world

Sorry that you had to be born a girl 

Sorry that i could not safeguard you from the claws of the vultures 

Your pained beauty asked me a thousand questions 

Your lifeless presence broke me into pieces 

~~ 

My daughter - my baby, my joy, my pride, my love, my life 

Thank you for coming into my life 

Thank you for being my daughter 

Thank you for giving me the strength to fight for you 

~~ 

I fight for you 

for every daughter who was you 

for every mother who is me 

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Hallowed by deed - Part 3

This happened many years back. I was traveling in an auto, returning back home after a shopping spree. My train was at 8 PM from Chennai to Coimbatore. I was excited. How could I not be, when I was going home after almost 2 months and that too the first visit home after receiving my first salary. That was why all the shopping. Saree for mom, dresses for my sister. I had cash of 5000 in my purse –a part of my first salary that I was taking home to give to my mom.

Since I was staying at my aunt’s place I had bought some gifts for them too. When I reached home, after paying the auto driver I went in with my hands full of shopping bags. I gave the gifts to my uncle and aunt and my cousin and went into my room to pack my stuffs. That is when I realized with a shock that my purse was missing. I searched through all my stuffs and covers in vain. I told my cousin and he went out to check if the purse had fallen out somewhere while I walked in with the bags – but no use. I started crying.

Considering the financial situation of my family, losing 5000 felt like a crime. I could not stop blaming myself for being so careless. No one could console me. My cousin was quick to react. He was convinced that I had missed the purse in the auto. He took his bike and went to the nearest auto stand to inquire about the auto driver. He also drove around to check if he could spot the auto. But he could not.

I was sobbing badly. It was almost an hour since I had come home. As everyone was trying to console me, the doorbell rang. My cousin went to check and came back with a broad smile on his face. The auto driver had found the purse. With a sigh of relief i found the driver standing at the door holding my purse. He wanted to make sure that I got the purse. He knew it was my purse because of my driving license inside it. After giving the purse he asked me to check if everything was intact. Well, even if he had taken a few hundreds I would not have really bothered at that point. But everything was intact. I could not stop thanking him. I tried to give him some money, but he refused to take it and he left.

Some people are not just hallowed, they are saviors. I don’t remember his face, but his deed will always be remembered with a smile. One of the few situations when I realized the value of being careful also made me believe in the word “integrity”.

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Nostalgia - Part 2

This episode of the series is dedicated to one of the few special people in my life - my sister. This is her creation. I have decided to include this in my series because she will never do it on her own. If she ever decides to collect her thoughts and put them down some where safe, i will be sharing this rare article with her.

I remember, when i read this poem the first time, it was revelation to me that she could possibly be so emotional. Till that time i had never related my sister to the word emotions. I don't know what made her write this small piece at that time when she was so young. I have never asked her about it. The words to me, seem quite heavy for a small girl. May be she was hurt. May be an incident that may sound silly to her today. I can only keep guessing. But this is precious.

"Today"

Today is the day 

when my future slipped away 

Today is the day 

when i was left astray 

Today is the day 

when my enemies were gay 

Today is the day 

when i was stoned away 

Today is the day 

when my heart was stolen away

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